Useless Super Hero Powers!

I’m a huge movie buff, so of course I was at the opening night for the Avengers. Unfortunately for my wife, I love almost all movie genres; action adventure with lots of explosions, horror movies with zombies that will give me nightmares later as well as classic British stories that will also give me nightmares later; like “Howard’s End” or “The Remains of the Day” from 20 years ago. They were the same identical 3-hour dreadful tale with Anthony Hopkins.

Anyway, over the past 50 years superhero movies were mostly Superman or Batman, but then this past decade new superheroes dominated the box office. Almost every other movie today is about superheroes with very diverse powers. No movie makes this more abundantly clear then the recently released Avengers End Game. All this exposure to superpowers has made think about which Superhero would I most like to be? 

I think that we can all agree that Superman represents the epidemy of a superhero, although Captain Marvel would seem like she could give him a run for his money too! Superman is nearly invincible, has a great moral compass, and a nice head of hair. I like that he’s the lazy man’s superhero, he did not have to do anything for all those powers. He never exercises or discusses a restrictive diet and yet always manages to remain buffed and ripped; I use to think Thor was like that, but we just learned otherwise—Wow! Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be poor Batman who is just a rich dude on steroids that must hit the gym all the time and avoid fatty foods. However, as Superman I would probably have to self deport out of the US since he was not born here nor am I aware of “Clark” ever getting residency papers? His moral compass would tell him that no one is above the law and that he must leave the US. I’d miss my family and friends and I’m not even sure where I’d even go?

As a young man I wouldn’t have hesitated to be Superman, but now that I’m middle-age-man I’m not sure that’s what I want anymore? Much of Superman’s talents are either useless to me or I have already invested too much money and time into things that I do not wish to throw away.

For example, the biggest feat of strength I need to accomplish each week is taking the trash to curb, I don’t need super strength for that.

I also already spent a small fortune on reading glasses that I leave strewn all around the house, if I suddenly obtained supervision, then this would have been a complete waste of money. Shooting lasers out of my eyes is also useless to me since I’m not a welder. 

What I am is real estate agent, now how freaked out would a client become if I accidentally slip off my glasses in front of them and suddenly, they don’t recognize me anymore? Then I put them back on and I’m abruptly me again? I’d lose business! Why did that never happen to Clark? He’s at work and slips off his glasses to clean them and suddenly everyone around him recognizes that he’s Superman? Although this would be a great trick for when my kids are annoying me, slip off those glasses and daddy is gone! Talk about playing peek-a-boo with a child!

Also, I know that I’d forget to remove my glasses sooner or later and I’d be all flying around with them on and people would like be seeing me and freaking out, may be only half recognizing me.

The flying thing is cool, but I’ve already spent allot of money building up frequent flier miles that I don’t want to go to waste either and you can’t snack when you travel like Superman; nowhere to put the snacks and they’d probably just disintegrate in your hands. I’d also miss the opportunity to watch a movie as I fly, but I guess he could download something on his Phone and watch that? Just doesn’t seem as relaxing though?

Another concern I have is the tight outfit. It seems like he always wears it under his normal clothes. Does the fabric on that thing stretch? Will it allow for waistline expansion during big holiday meals? How does it come off? There’s no zipper or Velcro? How do you clean it? I hope it doesn’t need dry-cleaning or ironing because that’s so inconvenient! Doesn’t it ever get dirty or stinky? What if there’s an emergency when it’s being cleaned? Does he have two outfits? What if fashions change and that specific blue is just so 80’s? It might be embarrassing to go out to save the world in that color outfit?

Also, unlike your personal finances or how you voted, you wouldn’t want to hide your superpowers from your friends and family, that’s just too hard. However, if you allow them to know about your ability to fly, run superfast, or never get sick, then what excuses are left when you want to arrive late somewhere or not show up at all? Unless there was a major disaster on the news, you’re out of excuses.

How do you get your hair cut? I imagine that he must bite his fingernails to trim them, but how does he cut his hair? No one can do it for him if his hair is indestructible? So maybe he has beautician powers too since his hair always looks good? I must admit that I’m envious of the hair, but I would look like a Punk Rocker if I had to cut it myself.

Some of Superman’s powers are also a bit uncool today, like the x-ray vision. Today, that’s just creepy, politically incorrect, and likely going to get you into trouble. I also don’t need super cold breath, that would probably have ruined a few dates in my younger days.

As middle-age-man I’m looking for practical talents not possessed by most superheroes. Flash is much too fast, same problem as Superman and why be in such a hurry anyway?  Slow down, enjoy life before it passes you by! Wonder woman has some of the same issues as Superman; impractical strength, immigration issues, and that lasso of truth thing is not something I want. Do I really want people to truthfully express how they really feel about me? However, I would make it mandatory that all politicians must be lassoed during political debates, it would be nice to get the truth out of the politicians for once.

There are many other superheroes; Aquaman, Captain America, Doctor Strange, etc., but it’s really just all the same—mostly all impractical powers. Also, being a superhero is probably not that great either. Remember the Incredibles, they had to destroy a bunch of stuff trying to save humanity and they got sued in the process due to all the destruction they caused. Also, who cleans up all the webs Spiderman leaves behind? No one wants to see their city covered in webs.

Wolverine’s instant healing powers are really tempting for my old back and knees, but not if it comes with those claw things. I’d accidently poke my eyes out every other day. I imagine instinctually bringing my hands up to my face to sneeze, achoo, the claws pop out and there go the eyes again. Luckily the eyes would grow back, but it would still hurt like heck and no going out for a few hours until my baby blues have grown back in their sockets.

Spidey’s sense could be useful, not for danger, but instead to warn me about robo-callers or telemarketers ringing my phone.

But the practical powers I really want are not possessed by any of today’s superheroes. (1) Parking lot superpowers would be nice. Someone will always drive off from a prime spot just as I pull up.  Plus, if I return and someone has parked too close to my driver side door, then wherever the culprit is, they will inexplicably suffer a severe wedgie, even if they’re not wearing underwear! (2) I’d like to manipulate space time such that the CEO of any company will be denied access to any bathroom on the planet for the same amount of time that his company puts clients on hold over the phone. (3) I’d like to instill an extreme and unnatural fear of technology on anyone that sends out email spam, writes computer viruses, or hacks anything.  (4) I’d like the magic power to transform anything inside a box into big snakes when a porch pirate steals a delivery. (5) I want to drive any car I own 100,000 miles between oil changes and never get a flat again. I also want to use Wonder Woman’s lasso on my mechanic so that when he tells me that the enertial disconbobullator needs to be replaced and it will cost $5,000, I will know that he’s not messing with me just because he bought a new boat? (6) I also want a magic touch that allows all my tech gadgets to operate perfectly without ever having to upgrade an operating system.

These boring superpowers are the ones that would be useful to me, not flying around in some skin tight weird outfit with a cape; really a cape? It’s just a huge, useless, gaudy fashion accessory to trip over or get caught in my car door.

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